Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Letter to Nakolong
I'm still trying to process my time with you and your death but the bottom line for me right now.....I miss you. I did not realize how attached I would get to you in 5 days (and nights as you kept me up most of those 5 nights, but it was worth it) . Your small little nose, and mouth. Your cute little elf ears. The way you gained so much strength so quickly and began to come to life. I loved watching your personality transform, and hearing you make a noise for the first time. I relished how you gained enough strength to wrap your wee little fingers around mine. All your hair was adorable. I miss the way you would suck on the eye dropper and how you would inspect me and your surroundings with your baby eyes. How the last 2 days you started rooting around and trying to cry out when you were hungry. I miss watching you lay on Cody while he did Kangaroo Care with you.
I was hoping to be a part of saving your life but it became evident that God had other plans. After all I am not the one in control but He is, funny how much I think I am in control. Loving you the best I could was what I had to offer and the rest was in God's hands. We are just stewards of the things He has given us. I'm trying not to look back at things and not have regrets here and there. I wish I could have held you more, and done more for you, got one more kiss in, but in reality I need to remember the circumstances and be thankful for the time I did get with you.
Your name means sunshine, and that you were to me. Your life and death has taught me scores of things, but not without discomfort. During these trials I hold onto scriptures such as James 1:2-4 even though my emotions want to speak differently to me. It is not easy for me to understand at this point, but I know that God has a plan and will be glorified in this. I find peace in that. I know fruit will come from this, and I see roots taking place already. I am planning to continue a relationship with your mom, and I would like to get to know her better. I went and visited her today. I need to learn the language so I can speak to her without a translator. If you get a chance tell Jesus I could use some help with language learning :)
A seedling I see sprouting is people around us saw how we valued your life, even knowing your life might be shortened. They observed that you were important and we took the time to give you life. A Ugandan told us that no one would spend that kind of time taking care of a baby. It took too much sacrifice. They saw how we loved you like you were our own. Just like Jesus does for us. A picture of the gospel.
"For you are all sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ." Gal. 3:26
"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a women, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, "Abba, Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ. Gal. 4:4-7
I will never forget you, my little sunshine, but now I have to continue to work on moving forward, and preparing for the birth of our baby girl; focusing on the many blessings I have. I love you very much and thank you for coming into my life.
Until We Meet Again,